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Toronto Sun - Jan. 2, 2010 - By Ted Woloshyn - email@example.com -
Straight from my crystal ball to youHappy New Year and welcome to 2-10. Today I offer to you my humble predictions for the upcoming year.
However since I'm not a professional prognosticator, and as a matter of liability, do not wager money on any of these prophecies. If by chance one comes true, well as the say, even a blind elephant knows where his nuts are.
By next fall another "pandemic" will be proclaimed, and not only will we continue to cough and sneeze in our sleeves, but the handshake will be outlawed. Air kissing will represent foreplay and during "romantic acts" couples will cover themselves from head to toe in rubber, giving the appearance of a Blue Man Group wrestling match.
Due to security concerns, most airports will install full body scanning machines; those who can't afford them will get by with special X-ray glasses as advertised in boys' magazines in the '60s. (Sorry about the obscure reference.)
As a peace offering, Tiger Woods will buy his wife Elin the country of Sweden.
O.J. Simpson will proclaim, "I could have helped Tiger escape all this trouble." Too dark?
Dalton McGuinty will experience a sudden surge in popularity when he explains to Ontarians that he never said "no new taxes," but rather "no new taxis." The liberal media embrace this environmental initiative.
In Toronto, thousands of bicycles will parade the streets from City Hall to Bloor West Village. At first people will be angered at what seems to be yet another charity bike ride causing traffic problems, but will suddenly cheer wildly when they realize the bikes are transporting personal belongings from David Miller's office to his home.
Toronto will then welcome it's new mayor, John Tory; unless he doesn't run because he enjoys the stability radio offers (now that's funny), in which case it will be George Smitherman. Unless Smitherman's inner anger erupts and causes him irreparable damage; then it will be whatshisname from the federal Liberal Party. In other words, boring.
Julian Fantino will become the next mayor of Vaughan; he will also become the city's first sheriff. Fantino will patrol the streets wearing an Armani suit complete with holster, two six-shooters and a billy club made from soprasotto.
In Mississauga, politics will remain frozen until the judicial inquiry into Mayor Hazel McCallion comes to a conclusion. The thaw will result in either tears from citizens distraught at Mayor Hazel's problems, or more likely a rapid stream, which will sweep Carolyn Parrish to a place far, far away; but not down south where those "American bastards" live. Or maybe she'll get a job with the city, tearing down posters.
The Leafs, Argos, and Blue Jays will all win championships, and I will quit eating magic mushrooms.
On the national front, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will welcome international delegates and celebrities at the Olympics in Vancouver, the G-8 Summit in Haliburton and the G-20 Summit in Toronto. Michael Ignatieff will host a cocktail reception at the Elvis convention in Collingwood. It's all about timing Iggy.
And finally, the economy will fare much better in 2-10, as a stimulated Canada continues to lead the world in economic growth. But again, please don't bet any money on this; you know, assuming you have any left after last year.
Happy New Year.
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